Liz Grand shares her experience of caring for a person with depression and anxiety
This Mental Health Awareness Week, among raising awareness of the different experiences of mental health, it is important to recognise the experience of those who look after someone who experiences mental ill-health.
Carers are impacted by mental ill-health in different ways and these are not often spoken about or fully recognised.
It can be difficult to talk about the experiences of carers without feeling as though you are placing blame on the individual who is unwell or taking away from their needs and challenges.
However, talking about the experience of carers isn’t about apportioning blame, or expressing resentment, but about improving awareness and understanding to improve support and inclusion for everyone.
When my partner was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, he’d had a severe mental health breakdown. This was a shock to both of us, and was incredibly overwhelming, confusing and challenging for us both in different ways.
I stepped into the role of carer without really knowing what that meant or the impact it would have on me.
There was no question of me not taking on this role, this was an emergency response that any one of us might find ourselves in. Over time, however, it’s something that I’ve come to understand more and something that I consider to be a part of my life and part of my relationship with my partner.
Caring for someone in terms of mental health is incredibly difficult because often there is no simple antidote or “cure”. Things can be very changeable and unpredictable, and, depending on the illness, the person you know so well can become so changed that they are almost unrecognisable.
As a carer, above anything else you just want to make sure that the person you are caring for is safe and supported. Often all you can do is to be there and provide reassurance and safety, which often doesn’t feel like much.
Depression and anxiety come in many variations, and for a carer they can be incredibly difficult to understand. I used to think that my role in caring for my partner was to become an expert on depression and anxiety, and to know exactly the route he needed to take to get better. This was incredibly stressful, and I placed a lot of pressure on myself.
I realised pretty quickly that that’s not my job. I also realised that this “route” that I was trying to find, was more complicated than a simple, straight road. I realised that my job was simply to be there and to listen to what he needed and to understand when to call for expert help. I leant that it is so important to centre your support with empowerment and encouragement, making sure you never take away someone’s agency or voice, even when they are at their lowest.
Supporting someone through an episode is all consuming and can be very traumatic. As a carer, it can be very difficult during this time to feel able to ask for support yourself, as this can often feel so insignificant to the needs of the person you are caring for.
However, it’s absolutely essential for carers to have support for what they are experiencing.
Sometimes this is just a friend checking in regularly on how you are coping; it could be someone bringing over some food; it could be a supportive line manager letting you work more flexibly until things stabilise.
The acknowledgement of the impact on you, and the space for you to say what you need is vital to enable you to keep well while you are focused on supporting someone else.
It’s important to raise awareness about carers during Mental Health Awareness Week, recognising the challenges they face. Mental health affects us all in different ways and improving understanding of this is vital.
I am so incredibly proud of my partner, and what he’s dealt with and what we’ve been through together. Whilst his episodes have been incredibly tough, neither of us see mental ill-health as something to be ashamed of or something to be angry about. Neither of us take mental health for granted either; it’s part of our lives and the focus is on how to manage it together.
I’d like to normalise the conversation around mental health, so that disclosing and asking for support is no longer a barrier. As one of the mental health nurses we met explained, “everybody has mental health, it’s about finding what you need to do to keep yourself healthy”.
Where to get help
We hope that sharing stories like Liz's will increase awareness and understanding and help people to reflect on their experience with their own mental health and allow people to support others who may be struggling.
We are grateful for those who have shared their experiences.
We know that the range of experiences included in this series of articles is limited – there are so many overlapping factors linked to our identity that will impact our mental health and perspective.
If any of the experiences shared have resonated with you, we would encourage you to join our staff networks, which are open to all.
We have 3 staff networks at St George’s: